David Beckham: Billionaire, But Worthless to His Son

has been named Britain’s first billionaire sportsman, having accrued a staggering £1.185billion.

Well done him for growing up working-class in Leytonstone, east London, becoming a legend of the game – then tirelessly plugging any brand willing to have him.

Yet how sad to learn that just as Goldenballs should be stepping back to enjoy his gold, he instead plans to use his platform during the World Cup to speak out about the rift between him, and their estranged son Brooklyn, 27.

Surely such painful family fall-outs should be kept private? Not for this publicity-obsessed pair.

First Victoria gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal, supposedly to promote her fashion brand but instead gushing: ‘We love our children so much... All we’ve ever tried to do is protect and love them.’

Now, as Alison Boshoff revealed in yesterday’s Daily Mail, bereft dad Dave plans to push this pathetic, ‘poor us’ narrative further by issuing ‘carefully worded statements’ about his and Vic’s ongoing feud with Brooklyn and heiress wife at the biggest event in global football next month.

What a pair – turning their family feud into a soap opera as shabby as an EastEnders plotline.

Their eldest son made it clear his relationship with them was toxic, conditional on him appearing for the cameras whenever they demanded to present the perfect Beckham picture.

He must be terrified the family’s dirty laundry will be aired again – just when David calculates he’ll have maximum exposure.

Vain David has always been a prima donna, but this cynicism is something else.

David, Vic: you may be billionaires, but you’re worthless in the eyes of your first-born.

My message to you two? Hey, Beckhams, leave that kid alone!

Disappearing Demi

Demi Moore was married to Bruce Willis for 13 years and, long after their divorce in 2000, remains close to him as he battles dementia.

So many fans, myself included, were shocked by her appearance at Cannes: so gaunt and with arms shrivelled like Twiglets. No suggestion talented Demi is the victim of ‘Ozempic arms’, withered by the slimming drug, yet how worrying that just as her career revives with must-watch series Landman, she seems to be disappearing before our eyes.

A triumphant week for the Royal Family, with King Charles stifling a laugh while presenting his collapsing government’s policies in Parliament, Camilla in her heavy gowns tripping but managing not to fall over and somehow staying awake. 

Kate, meanwhile, was a sensation in Italy, hugging kids and then fondling newts: those lizard-like creatures who spend most of their time hiding in murky backwaters.

But enough about Prince Andrew...

Pippa the princess

Shame on the Princess of Wales’ sister Pippa Middleton, famous mainly for trying to use her pert derriere to upstage Kate’s wedding to William in 2011.

Pip and her hedge-fund bro husband are said to be trying to stop locals from quietly using a path on her £15.5million estate. Something they have done for ages.

Bad show Pippa and embarrassing for your whole family: your down-to-earth mum Carole, a former air hostess, would be ashamed.

Good news that the Chelsea Flower Show has rescinded its ban on gnomes, with stars Joanna Lumley, Cate Blanchett, Brian May and Alan Titchmarsh creating their own ones to celebrate.

But, surely the most handsome garden gnome is Titchmarsh himself?

Zoe misses cha-cha chance of dream job

Zany Zoe Ball says that after losing out on becoming the new presenter of Strictly Come Dancing she had ‘worked through the seven stages of grief and rejection over the last couple of days’.

Oh dear. Never mind. Perhaps the Beeb – like so many of us – had simply had enough of her misfiring jokes.

Jilly Cooper’s Rivals has returned for series two on Disney+ to bring us some good old unrestrained fun.

What a relief from this Gen Z world where consent is required before a kiss on the cheek, and how delicious to revel in an era when politeness meant not lighting your cigarette until after sex.

Jilly has always been derided by the smug literati, but she had the last laugh: her £10million fortune was so not so much a bonkbuster as a bankbuster.

Fabulous Hannah Waddingham reveals the secret to her astounding body, saying: ‘Never underestimate the value of doing squats the whole time you’re brushing your teeth.’ Hmmm. For we mere mortals that means ending up in A&E with an electric toothbrush embedded in one nostril.

Westminster women watch

• Ex-deputy PM Angela Rayner has conveniently been ‘exonerated’ in time to run for the Labour leadership after supposedly being cleared of wrongdoing by HMRC over unpaid stamp duty on her luxury flat. Whatever the murky truth there, her endless drunken antics make her unsuitable for the top job.

• Keir Starmer’s wife Victoria accompanies him to the King’s Speech wearing almost exactly the same funereal navy dress Ffion Hague wore when her husband, then Opposition Leader William, fell on his sword.

A new book claims the real reason France’s first lady Brigitte Macron slapped her husband Emmanuel was after she saw texts on his phone to glamorous Iranian actress Golshifteh Farahani, saying: ‘I find you very pretty.’ Given that Brigitte is now 73 – having met Emmanuel when he was a boy of 15 – and he’s in great shape at 48, who would blame him? 

The BBC is planning to bring back its ratings winner Top Gear, the show which Jeremy Clarkson first hosted in 1988.

They’re searching for celebrities to present it in a ‘modern’ way, which means what?

Racing electric cars around the circuit at 20mph with eco-nut Chris Packham as presenter? It’ll be all talk and no torque.

Lesson in small-boat crisis

My colleague Sue Reid reveals that despite the government claiming to be cracking down on illegal migrants, the 200,000th small-boat illegal was put into a four-star hotel 32 hours after breaking into our country.

Is it any wonder that Reform – the only party truly talking tough on this issue – obliterated both Labour and the Tories in the council elections?

Among the 1,700 passengers aboard a cruise ship struck by norovirus was a 92-year-old who sadly died. But isn’t there something glorious about a nonagenarian still finding joy sailing the seven seas solo? 

For all struggling authors, some solace to learn that the original film script for Ian Fleming’s Bond book Dr No was dismissed thus: ‘In spite of its modern trimmings – ballistic missiles, naked girls, etc – it trembles too much on the edge of the ridiculous.’ The Bond franchise went on to gross £15billion worldwide. The reader who dismissed his first script must have thought, never say never again.