EASTENDERS
Where there’s an ‘I do’, there’s always a Don’t. Yes, it’s another Walford wedding, where the inevitability of something going wrong is as certain as Gina never being able to find a T-shirt to cover her midriff.
Despite the wedding having been cancelled owing to Dolly’s birth, and despite Britney acting oddly, new mum Whitney decides to go ahead with the nuptials.
Couldn’t she have waited to find a hairdresser rather than a dog groomer for her hair, though? How did that spaniel land on her head? Thrown from a hot air balloon?
As for Lauren’s dress… has she just come from doing a shift on a supermarket till? Zack couldn’t be looking more disgruntled if he’d just discovered his fiancée is a horse.
When Whitney arrives at the altar, Britney joins her and Zack as they say their vows, but Brit can’t keep her gob shut and announces that Lauren slept with the husband-to-be. Jeez! That kid has been nothing but trouble.
It’s the wedding day of Whitney (centre) and Zack but Britney reveals that Lauren (left) slept with the husband-to-be
But will the revelation be enough to stop the wedding and give us an end to BritWhit once and for all? Pray, yes.
With Shona McGarty leaving the show, we can but hope that Whitney’s obsession with the troubled teen goes with her.
It has been the most convoluted and dreadful effort to write a character out. Why couldn’t Whit just have met her end by falling on her own ridiculous finger talons?
There’s ongoing trouble in the one-time paradise of George and Elaine, meanwhile, but will there be more to come with the arrival of Monique and Xavier, Junior’s secret family?
Possibly not, because the Knights are thrilled to bond with them, and Elaine tells them they can move into The Vic.
What is it about that pub that breeds extended families? The Mitchells, the Carters, now the Knights… you only have to stand still for two minutes for another offspring to materialise on the doorstep. Have any of them ever heard of contraception?
At least Monique offers to help George connect with his Ghanaian heritage. Anything to keep him out of that damned boxing ring.
CORONATION STREET
Here’s a first! Abi switches on the TV. Does she know which way up the remote goes? I’ve never been impressed by her alleged mechanical skills because she has the cleanest overalls in motoring history.
Abi (pictured) sees red when she finds that Corey, her son’s killer, is painted as a hero in a documentary
But turn the TV on she does and is furious to see the presenter praising the football prowess of Corey, her son’s killer. The documentary paints him as a hero, and Abi sees red. Well, not so much red as an ocean of blood. When Nina and Abi barge into the TV producer’s office, they demand answers.
Really? As the writers would know, you’re likely to see a producer only if you brandish a weapon as your bargaining power. I’m still in the BBC foyer and I’ve been sitting here since 2008.
Life gets even worse for Abi when sex videos allegedly featuring her are posted online. It turns out they are deepfakes, but who is behind them?
My guess is Cassie, who needs to throw a spanner in the works (if she can find one in Abi’s sparse toolbox) so that she can wheedle her way into Kev’s overalls.
Corey’s opened Pandora’s box
Corrie’s Abi has taken so many wrong paths in life, she comes with a ‘Return to sender’ label. The return of Corey has resurrected her anger, so is Pandora’s box about to be reopened?
‘Coping with Seb’s murder, combined with trying to stay clean and sober, means she’s boxed things,’ says Sally Carman (Abi).
‘She needs to work and not think too much, because it’s the thinking that sends her spiralling.’ Hmmm. The poor man’s Socrates.
EMMERDALE
Ethan left for dead in hit and run horror
Does anyone in Emmerdale ever get into a car and simply drive to the shops? Do the things that normal people do, like go to Tesco?
Hot on the heels and wheels of Ethan crashing and hospitalising Nicky comes a hit and run, leaving Ethan bloodied and bruised in the middle of the road.
But who is the driver? The most likely suspects are Cain, Caleb or Ruby, but when Ethan limps into view and collapses on Main Street, he claims he didn’t see his attacker.
Ethan (pictured) is left bloodied and bruised in the middle of the road following a hit and run
Nicky, meanwhile, is still in a coma. Some people will do anything to land a hospital bed.
Following last week’s abuse, Tom starts to manipulate the narrative by implying that Belle is the one with problems.
When she pushes him over after he makes disparaging remarks about her mother, Belle is playing right into his hands. Get hold of a car, Belle. Run him over. Put him in the boot. It works for everyone else.
Ella panics when Liam suggests he stay over at her place and puts him off. That’s a first. Every other woman in the village can’t wait to grapple with his stethoscope before he can say, ‘Big breaths.’ So what’s she hiding?