I owe you an apology for my radio silence this week – I've been rather sick. A pounding headache caused by all my eye-rolling and waves of nausea so violent that I had to keep a bucket by my side.
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Aussie Elites Fawn Over Harry and Meghan
I owe you an apology for my radio silence this week – I've been rather sick. A pounding headache caused by all my eye-rolling and waves of nausea so violent tha...
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My diagnosis? A contagious condition I'm calling 'Royal Repulsion' - triggered by a virus going around this week. It's brought on by the ludicrous spectacle unfolding across Australia: a parade of local identities paying homage to and on their 'privacy tour' of our great sunburnt land.
It's been utterly unbearable. But before I go on, let me make two things clear.
Firstly, say what you want about me - and I've heard it all - but I am not a suck-up. If I don't like someone, you'll know it. I don't care how rich, famous or socially connected you are, I'm not going to morph into a simpering fangirl for the sake of a photo or a fleeting brush with relevance.
Secondly, and this may surprise you, this column isn't even a slur on Harry and Meghan. Nothing they've done so far this tour has been especially egregious. They are behaving exactly as you would expect them to, with their predictable photo ops and Meghan's usual 'I'm just like you!' speeches to gaggles of fawning women.
No, it wasn't the Sussexes who inspired me to pick up my poison pen.
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It wasn't the Sussexes who inspired me to pick up my poison pen this week
Instead, it was the contingent of grinning Aussies, who this week reinvented themselves as Hazza and Meg's most ardent 'cheer squad', that truly tested my patience.
Seeing them slink up to the Montecito exiles, among the sea of supporters clinging to them like molluscs, has frankly made me queasy.
Some people, it seems, have completely lost their minds over the royal couple.
Scroll through Instagram and you'll find the pictures, the gushing captions, the giddy excitement, the eye-rolling hashtag #sussexroyal.
And the ones who have met them in person have been gushing about how 'kind' and 'authentic' the couple are. Authentic? Pull the other one. You met them at a private, toffee-nosed event with champagne, smiles and name tags. Hardly keeping it real.
Now, in no particular order, here are my top three contenders for royal orbiter of the week. I'm sure I'll make a few enemies saying this, but someone bloody has to.
1. Gemma O'Neill
Gemma. Oh, dear. I hate to kick a dog when it's down...
I know Gemma O'Neill has had a rough trot lately, what with her business going bust, but seriously, darl. You've turned fawning over Megs into a personality trait
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After all of Gemma's gushing, Meghan ended up spending *checks notes* two hours at the retreat before hightailing it out of there to catch a rugby game with Harry. See ya!
Lisa Wipfli poses with Meghan Markle at the Nexus Summit in Melbourne
While few would turn down an invitation involving royalty, watching the function double as yet another victory lap for Wippa - following his successful campaign to keep teens off social media - did make me think: 'Someone's angling for an Order of Australia, aren’t they?'
The Wipflis made it known that Harry took an interest in Wippa's lobbying to keep under-16s off social media
'As you read this, the Sussexes will be packing up and heading back to California - that global citadel of privacy. Their fan club, alas, will remain behind… quite possibly sharpening their pitchforks and coming for me,' writes Amanda Goff
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The event in question was the Nexus Summit, hosted by lawyer Amanda Smorgon in her home.
While few would turn down an invitation involving royalty, watching the function double as yet another victory lap for Wippa - following his successful campaign to keep teens off social media - did make me think: 'Someone's angling for an Order of Australia, aren’t they?'
Indeed, Wippa posted (and his wife reposted) a photo of him solemnly conversing with the King's second son alongside the earnest caption: 'Great talking @36months and digital wellbeing for kids.'
Now, I'll be fair here: 36 Months, Wippa's initiative to keep under-16s off social media, is a worthy cause that I broadly agree with.
But it seems that changing Australian legislation isn't quite enough. Apparently, Wippa is after a royal seal of approval as well.
And while she was there, Wippa's wife also didn't miss out on her chance for a selfie with the Duchess.
I'll choose my words carefully here, but it's not exactly secret that Lisa's star has risen stratospherically in the last few years.
I chuckled to myself as I recalled how she was recently a guest at the lavish birthday party of Aussie Home Loans heiress Deborah Symond-O'Neil, alongside the likes of Pilates instructor Bernadette Sukkar and PR guru Montarna McDonald.
(That Wuthering Heights-themed bash was held in Deb's $21million mansion and featured a butter swan centrepiece that cost $1,500. Some of us can scarcely afford a tub of Western Star these days...)
It dawned on me that Deb, Bernie and the rest are practically commoners next to Hazza and Megs. Oh, Lisa - you really have made it!
Look, I could go on and list every single local schleb who posted a Sussex selfie with a gushing caption, but I fear the headache is returning.
The only saving grace is that, by the time you read this, Harry and Meghan will be packing up and heading back to California - that global citadel of privacy.
Their fan club, alas, will remain behind - quite possibly sharpening their pitchforks and coming for me...
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