EASTENDERS
Walford is the Tardis that keeps on giving: on the outside, a small local neighbourhood, but step inside and you discover acres of family trees going back generations – to infinity and beyond.
And forever increasing its population is the Mitchell clan, an endless breeding ground of waifs and strays.
The latest additions are Teddy and his sons Harry and Barney Mitchell, and it’s not long before a showdown in the Vic (where else for fairm-ly revelations of the ‘I’m yer farver/muvver/bruvver’ and the like?) sees Stevie revealing that Teddy is Billy’s ’arf bruvver.
It’s all news to Billy, as a result of his having been put into care as a child (were Grant and Phil the only Mitchell men not to have been given first names ending with ‘y’ or ‘ie’, by the way?).
How’s poor Billy going to cope? The man can barely work out which end of a packet of crisps to open; this can of worms is really going to take it out of him.

Teddy Mitchell (centre) and sons Harry (left) and Barney are the latest additions to the Mitchell clan
Harry wastes no time in chatting up Penny, and Barney meets Avani, who gives him the lowdown on Walford. Do you really have that much time left in your life? You’ll have ten birthdays just getting the inside info on Kaffy and Sharon’s husbands.
Meanwhile, at the boxing tournament, Nugget is unwell (it’ll be all that McKlunky’s junk food). When Zack tells Ravi he suspects Nugget and Denzil are using steroids, Ravi’s having none of it. Look! Enough boxing, people!
I love the sport, but how many more plots can you squeeze out of that place? Is there a writer trying to get the most out of his or her subscription to Boxing News magazine?
I tell you, if it doesn’t stop soon, I’m going to… well, punch someone’s lights out. If only I could find a boxing gym in which to do it.
It seems there’s yet another barking mad woman on the scene in the form of Maya (all women must be unhinged in Walford – apart from Tracy the barmaid, obviously). Why is she going all out to be nice to Jean?
CORONATION STREET
Good grief! Even when he’s gone, his presence continues to lurk like Banquo’s ghost at the feast in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. Tommy flamin’ Orpington. A player who was hardly ever on camera, he got more mentions than Lionel Messi at an Argentinian steakhouse.

When Tim tells Steve (pictured) that he won’t be able to celebrate his 50th birthday with him, Steve becomes convinced there’s going to be a surprise
And he’s still getting namechecks. First it was Steve, wittering on about him to Demi, and now Tim gets an invitation to the unveiling of his bronze bust at Weatherfield County’s ground. Realising it clashes with Steve’s 50th, Tim tells him he can’t celebrate, leaving Steve to think a surprise party is being planned.
Steve quizzes Cassie, Kevin and Tyrone about the ‘surprise’, and when they deny all knowledge, he’s convinced they’re bluffing. When Abi tells Kevin she’s going away to see the twins, will Steve’s birthday turn out to be dinner à deux with Kev?
Don’t expect romance to be on the menu – unlike in the situation between Carla and DS Swain. I’m telling you – watch that space. Albeit with a cushion over your face.
In another romantic update, Michael seems to be cooling towards Glenda. That didn’t take long. Here’s a bucket of ice, mate, to hurry the process along in this absurd storyline.
Is Abi going back to the dark side?
Corrie’s Abi hasn’t had an easy life, and now it’s in turmoil again because of the fake porn videos. Will she return to the dark side?
‘There will be moments she goes into auto pilot and old behaviours resurface,’ says Sally Carman (Abi), who would also like to see a return to Abi’s more impetuous behaviour.
‘I love that side of her – causing mayhem.’ Me too. There are only so many plotlines a girl can do in overalls.
EMMERDALE
Will raging Tom survive after electric shock KO?
Oh, Noah. You really should keep your mouth shut. Then again, as the fruit of Charity’s loins, that was unlikely ever to happen.
When he tells Tom that Belle was in town the previous day, Tom loses it when he realises Belle has been lying to him and in fact visited the abortion clinic.

Tom (pictured) hammers down blows on everything within reach when he realises Belle has been lying to him
Grabbing a rusty bar, he furiously hammers down blows on everything within reach, but when it hits the barn’s rotary isolator, he’s knocked out by a massive electric shock. To every cloud and all that. Actually, it’s more than a silver lining for Belle; it’s a veritable Tiffany of hallmark heaven. Or is it?
Will Belle take a break, as advised by her Mental Health Care Coordinator Rachel, or will Tom survive and find a new way to wield power over his increasingly fragile wife?
Poor old Matty, meanwhile, festers in prison, and a visit from Cain fails to bolster his spirits. No surprises there. That’s like calling in Henry VIII to try to save your marriage.
Cain urges Matty to use violence against anyone who threatens him. Oh, well done, Cain. Brilliant. Matty can’t open a tin of baked beans without bursting into tears.