In recent months, even the quietest trill of Taylor Swift criticism has been tantamount to treason.
Dare ask, ‘what’s all the fuss about?’, and you’ll soon regret it – faced with death threats, doxing and internet pile-ons orchestrated by her rabid fanbase, the Swifties.
I learnt that the hard way, after arguing in a piece for the Mail last summer that this breakup-obsessed, 34-year-old billionairess was – whisper it – something of a cynical capitalist who can’t really dance, sing or produce anything that original.
But, after the release of her latest album – The Tortured Poets Department – and the shoddy, cringe-inducing PR leading up to it, something delicious has happened.
It seems that even the most loyal of Saint Taylor’s apostles are finally rousing from their Swift-delusion slumber and realizing that maybe – just maybe – she ain’t all that!
The criticism of the album began earlier this week when a pop-up promotional ‘library installation’ appeared in Los Angeles.
The display – sponsored by Spotify – featured bookshelves stuffed with ‘Easter egg’ clues about the upcoming release.
Books of teased ‘poetic’ lyrics scrawled on tea-stained paper – the same kind you made in fifth grade for that treasure map school project – were roundly mocked online.
After the release of her latest album and the shoddy, cringe-inducing PR leading up to it, something delicious has happened. It seems that even the most loyal of Saint Taylor’s apostles are finally rousing from their Swift-delusion slumber.
The criticism of the album began earlier this week when a pop-up promotional ‘library installation’ appeared in Los Angeles.
The display featured bookshelves stuffed with ‘easter egg’ clues about the upcoming release. ‘Poetic’ lyrics scrawled on tea-stained paper – the same kind you made in fifth grade for that treasure map school project – were roundly mocked online.
Each page was signed off neatly with Spotify’s logo – soooo classy – while other shelf items included kitschy busts, clocks and old-timey globes meant to look vintage and academic.
And then there were the lyrics themselves. Early snatchings of the Taylor’s great thesis to come, examples of which included: ‘my muses, acquired like bruises’; ‘even statues crumble, if they’re made to wait’; and ‘as she was leaving, it felt like breathing.’
Then on Wednesday, Twitter erupted with news that the album – due for release Friday – had been leaked in full. But, more shocking than the piracy crime was that the musical content appeared to be more tortured than poet.
Naïve, uninspired, twee, the lyrics read like high-school diary entries that even hard-core groupies will struggle to defend.
Don’t believe me? Here are my top ten most torturous Taylor clangers!
10.
‘God save the most judgmental creeps / Who say they want what’s best for me / Sanctimoniously performing soliloquies I’ll never see’
Track: ‘But Daddy I Love Him’
What in the thesaurus?
Bizarrely, this song seems to be aimed at fans who took umbrage at her short-lived romance with accused-racist Matty Healy.
Surprise Swifties! Now you have your own song about how much Taylor wants to break up…. with you!
9.
‘Now I’m down bad, crying at the gym’
Track: ‘Down Bad’
For those not aged 15 or under – to be ‘down bad’ is to be shamelessly keen for a sexual relationship. Taylor Swift is 34.
8.
‘His hands so calloused from his pistol softly traces hearts on my face’
Track: ‘I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)’
Really, Taylor? Are we honestly to believe Indie rocker nepo-baby Matthew Timothy Healy, son of British daytime TV host Denise Welch, is that much of a bad boy?
7.
‘Who’s afraid of little old me?… You should be’
Track: ‘Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?’
Petrifying, Tay Tay! What’s truly scary is how uninspired these lyrics are.
6.
‘Touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto’
Track: ‘So High School’
Reminder that these are the ‘poems’ of a woman approaching 40 years old.
5.
‘My friends all smell like weed or little babies’
Track: ‘Florida!!!’
Die-hard fans are highlighting this line for its particular genius. Smells desperate to me…
4.
‘I’m an Aston Martin that you steered straight into the ditch / Then ran and hid’
Track: ‘imgonnagetyouback’
Aston Martin! She’s just like you and me!
3.
‘You’re not Dylan Thomas / I’m not Patti Smith / This ain’t the Chelsea Hotel / We’re modern idiots’
Track: ‘The Tortured Poets Department’
I guess being self-aware counts for something, right?
Naïve, uninspired, twee, the lyrics read like high-school diary entries that even hard-core groupies will struggle to defend.
2.
‘We would pick a decade / We wished we could live in instead of this / I’d say the 1830s but without all the racists’
Track: ‘I Hate It Here’
Beyond parody. This is one of the lyrics that I had to wait for the official release to check if it was real.
If no critic can muster the courage to call out this crap, I will officially believe that Swift is paying them all off.
1.
‘You smokеd, then ate seven bars of chocolate / We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist / I scratch your head, you fall asleep / Like a tattooed golden retriever’
Track: ‘The Tortured Poets Department’
No contest. Maybe the worst set of lyrics I have ever laid eyes on.
