Louie Spence has opened up about how his long battle with depression and anxiety prevented him from becoming a father – despite his husband’s dreams of raising a family.
The Pineapple Dance Studios star, 56, has been with his husband, Leto Fernandez, for 25 years and admitted they discussed having children after he found fame in 2010.
However, Louie – who quit Celebrity SAS earlier this month – said his mental health struggles made him feel incapable of taking on parenthood.
Speaking on the Great Company with Jamie Laing podcast, Louie said: ‘My husband’s Spanish, from a big Latino family, so he’s very family orientated. We did speak about it after I first became famous in 2011, maybe 2012. I was about 42. Another 20 years on, I’d still only be 62 – that’s still young enough.
‘But then my anxiety kicked in. I thought the sound of it is nice… but mentally, I thought I could not have a child because I would worry – like every parent does – they’re going to die, they can’t breathe, what if they get ill once they start to go to school? What if I can’t provide for them?
‘When you’re heterosexual and your wife gets pregnant, it’s a joyous thing. But when you don’t have that natural ability, it’s a very conscious thought. And anxiety and depression can make you the most selfish person in the world.’
Louie Spence has opened up about how his long battle with depression and anxiety prevented him from becoming a father – despite his husband’s dreams of raising a family
The Pineapple Dance Studios star, 56, has been with his husband, Leto Fernandez (pictured), for 25 years and admitted they discussed having children after he found fame in 2010
Louie said his illness often left him feeling detached from his loved ones, explaining during bad bouts he ‘gets very dark’.
He said: ‘There’s a voice in my head telling me, “get out of this, get out of this,” but I can only get out when I’m ready. For anyone else, it’s like they don’t exist. My husband could go, my family could go, because I just can’t get out.’
The TV personality – who became a household name thanks to Sky’s fly-on-the-wall series Pineapple Dance Studios – added that he has tried multiple treatments for his mental health struggles but has never found lasting relief.
‘Every day is a battle for me to get through,’ he admitted. ‘With physical anxiety, the pain attached, you think you’re going to die when your heart races. Then you have the mental anxiety.
‘I’ve done every therapy you can think of – talking therapy, acupuncture, craniosacral therapy [a gentle, hands-on massaging technique], different foods, medication, antidepressants.
‘The antidepressants put you on a level of nothing. You have no emotion, no empathy. Someone could drop dead and you would step over them. No sex drive, no erections because of the erectile dysfunction they cause.
‘I used to walk home from work and there was always the same guy, a homeless guy… And I remember thinking, I bet he’s happier than me.’
Despite being famous, Louie said he still carries an ‘empty’ feeling despite his loving marriage and family.
Louie – who quit Celebrity SAS earlier this month – said his mental health struggles made him feel incapable of taking on parenthood
Louie candidly shared how his illness often leaves him feeling detached from his loved ones, explaining during bad bouts he ‘gets very dark’
He said: ‘I moved back to Essex after I became famous, and there was more time to think. I had money, security, an incredible husband, wonderful family. But I still felt empty.
‘I think I’m better than I was. I don’t want to die. Most days I struggle to try and be happier than I am, because I don’t want to be on my deathbed and say I was always concerned about not being happy.
‘I remember that in my twenties thinking I’d be dead by the time I was about 30.’
The star paid tribute to his husband, saying their marriage is his ‘greatest achievement’ – though he admitted his husband deserves much of the credit for their enduring bond.
‘Sometimes I wish I could show him more love because he really is very affectionate, and I’m not,’ Louie said.
‘Believe it or not, I’m not a cuddly, affectionate person. I’m a bit of a cold fish. But he is really honest, kind, compassionate – and he’s really handsome. He’s a very, very special person.’
Despite being a fan-favourite on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, the flamboyant star quit the show during the first episode
The dancer is now eyeing up I’m A Celebrity as he joked: ‘You sit around and do nothing but eat kangaroo balls’
Despite his struggles, Louie said he finds solace in the joy he brings to others through his larger-than-life personality.
He explained: ‘If you go on my Instagram, nearly 100% of comments are people saying, “you’re my therapy, you’re my sunshine, you make me so happy”.
‘That’s wonderful – and that is part of me. I make all these people happy, but I can’t seem to find happiness for myself. It’s not like I don’t have an incredible husband. I am loved. But that’s the word: happiness. Why can’t I find happiness?’
Despite quitting Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Win in the first episode, Louie is eyeing up a place in the I’m A Celebrity jungle.
He shared: ‘On SAS I couldn’t high kick my way out of trouble.
‘If they asked me to go in the I’m A Celeb jungle, that would be better, darling. It’s more entertainment than anything else – you sit around and do nothing but eat kangaroo balls.’
For confidential support, call Samaritans on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
