I saw fear in Bianca Censori’s eyes as she shrugged off her fur coat, revealing her nude body to the world at the Grammy Awards on Sunday.
I believe that I can recognize the body language of a woman deep in the throes of an abusive relationship.
For three years, I lived in a coercive and controlling partnership — in which my boyfriend used manipulation, intimidation and other cruel tactics to dominate nearly every aspect of my life.
The experience left me questioning my reality, my worth and even my own sanity.
At the time, I was a successful entrepreneur in my late 30s, who had burst onto the scene by winning the reality TV show Shark Tank in 2011.
I was succeeding, making deals and… I thought I knew how to read people. I was wrong.
I saw fear in Bianca Censori ‘s eyes as she shrugged out of her fur coat, revealing her nude body to the world at the Grammy Awards on Sunday.
For three years, I lived in a coercive and controlling partnership, in which my boyfriend used manipulation, intimidation and other cruel tactics to dominate nearly every aspect of my life. (Pictured: Kiersten Hathcock).
Like Bianca, who first met Kanye in 2020 when she worked for his fashion company Yeezy as an architectural designer, I, too, was professionally involved with my ex. (Bianca and Kanye are pictured in Italy).
Like Bianca, who first met Kanye in 2020 when she worked for his fashion company Yeezy as an architectural designer, I, too, was professionally involved with my ex.
My boyfriend was charming and respected in my industry and among my friends.
Only now do I recognize that from day one, I was the underdog. He was the much older, seemingly wiser, mentor.
Watching Bianca last week, my heart ached with a familiar sense of dread.
I recognized their power differential, which – in my experience – can lead to one partner’s quiet compliance, a kind of subordination that comes from fear and psychological entrapment, not love.
Of course, I do not know Kayne West or Bianco Censori. And I cannot claim to have any special insight in their relationship. But this is my impression from watching and reading media coverage of the pair.
Professional lip readers have now analyzed Kanye and Censori’s interaction on the red carpet that evening.
‘You’re making a scene now,’ the 47-year-old rapper allegedly said to 30-year-old Censori. She nodded in agreement.
West then reportedly encouraged her, saying, ‘Make a scene. I’ll say it’ll make so much sense.’
Censori shook her head in and West allegedly pushed, saying: ‘I got you.’
She ultimately complied, replying, ‘All right, let’s go’ and she dropped her coat.
For me ‘coercive control’ did not begin with fists or rage. It started with adoration, the kind that feels all-consuming.
I was made to feel special, chosen, as if no one else in the world could ever understand me the way my boyfriend did. But slowly, creepingly, that attention became suffocating.
Decisions that once belonged to me—what I wore, who I spoke to, where I went—became matters of his ‘concern.’ He would express worry in ways that seemed caring, but in reality, they chipped away at my autonomy.
‘Are you sure you want to wear that?’
‘I just don’t trust other people around you.’
‘I only want what’s best for you.’
Each statement sounded innocent enough, even protective. But over time, I found myself preemptively altering my choices, avoiding conflict and keeping secrets from friends and family to maintain peace.
My independence shrank and I didn’t even realize it was happening.
Kanye appears to be encouraging Censori to dress provocatively, but he once seemed to act differently toward ex-wife Kim Kardashian.
In a 2019 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he criticized Kim’s custom-made, nude-colored corset, just hours before she was set to appear at the Met Gala in New York City.
‘A corset is like a form of underwear,’ Kanye told her. ‘It’s hot. It’s like, it’s hot for who, though?’
‘The night before the Met, you’re gonna come in here and say that you’re not into a corset bust?’ Kim asked him. ‘I’m getting really bad anxiety. What are you talking about?’
‘You are my wife, and it affects me when pictures are too sexy,’ Kanye continued, to which Kim adroitly pointed out, ‘You built me up to be this sexy person and confidence and all this stuff.’
Kanye left the room in a huff.
Watching Bianca last week, my heart ached with a familiar sense of dread. I recognized their power differential, which – in my experience – can lead to one partner’s quiet compliance. (Kanye and Bianca are pictured in 2023).
In a 2019 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he criticized Kim’s custom-made, nude-colored corset, just hours before she was set to appear at the Met Gala in New York City. (Kim and Kanye are pictured at the Met Gala that year).
His ex Julia Fox has also claimed that he told her what to wear.
In her 2023 memoir Down the Drain, the model writes that her whirlwind months-long relationship with Kanye, who she refers to as ‘the artist,’ was a ‘game’ of ‘sick and twisted’ control.
Shortly, after the relationship began in 2022 Fox claims that Kanye ‘appointed’ a team to work on her wardrobe – a team which soon stopped asking her opinion about what she’d wear.
Indeed, the most telling sign of coercive control is how a person’s self-expression begins to change.
In my relationship, I was given ‘suggestions’ about what to wear, how to do my hair, and how to present myself. Over time, those suggestions became rules, spoken and unspoken.
Censori’s transformation has been stark, and while personal reinvention is a natural part of life, coercion often disguises itself as choice.
When a person’s image, speech, and behavior all shift in ways that align with a controlling partner’s preferences, it raises red flags.
In my case, I lost my sense of style, my voice, my individuality.
Perhaps the most insidious part of coercive control is that the victim often appears complicit.
People ask, ‘Why don’t you just leave?’ or ‘Why do you let him treat you like that?’
What they don’t understand is that coercive control reprograms your mind. You don’t see yourself as a victim; you see yourself as part of a unit, a partnership that only you and your partner can understand.
Leaving is not just about walking out the door.
By the time I was able to leave, I had to reconstruct my entire identity. I had to relearn how to make decisions for myself, how to trust my own instincts, how to believe that my thoughts and choices mattered. The longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes.
One of the reasons coercive control is so dangerous is that it can often be invisible to outsiders.
In public, my partner was charismatic and even affectionate.
No one would have suspected what was happening behind closed doors.
The question is not just about what is happening when the cameras are rolling, but what happens when they aren’t.
When the doors close and the world isn’t watching?
Coercive control is a form of abuse that leaves no bruises but destroys lives just the same. It can happen to anyone—smart, independent, successful people included.
His ex Julia Fox has also claimed that he told her what to wear. In her 2023 memoir Down the Drain, the model writes that her whirlwind months-long relationship with Kanye, who she refers to as ‘the artist,’ was a ‘game’ of ‘sick and twisted’ control. (Pictured: Julia and Kanye)
I survived, but I lost years of my life in the process. After filing a restraining order against my ex, I had to rebuild from the ground up.
To any person who feels that they are in a coercive relationship, my message is this: You are not alone and the abuse you’re enduring is not your fault. Your thoughts, your choices, and your voice matter. Love should never feel like a cage.
If you recognize these signs in your own life, know that there is a way out.
Most importantly, know that no matter when you chose to walk out, it’s the right time.
