Oh, sickly old Hollywood, even the prospect of depriving poor children of much-needed charity can’t stop you from being yourself.
At Sunday night’s 2025 Emmy Awards, doe-eyed, anodyne comedian Nate Bargatze revealed his genius plan to rein in the B-Listers’ mind-numbing, virtue-signaling acceptance speeches.
Bargatze – best known for his fly-over country appeal – announced he was putting up a $100,000 donation to the Boys and Girls Club of America, but there was a catch.
For every second that the award winners went over their allotted 45-second speaking time, he’d knock off $1,000.
What TV star’s ego could be so mammoth that they think their blather is more important than cash for underprivileged kids?
Hold my Ozempic, said ‘Hacks’ star Hannah Einbinder less than an hour into the show.
Bargatze – best known for his fly-over country appeal – announced he was putting up a $100,000 donation to the Boys and Girls Club of America, but there was a catch
For every second that the award winners went over their allotted 45-second speaking time, he’d knock off $1,000
As seemingly sweet Einbinder, who won her first Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series, neared the end of her charming and adorable remarks, the clock ran down and she dropped a triple doozy.
‘Go Birds. F*** ICE. And Free Palestine!’ she squealed as an on-screen graphic showed the $100,000 gift plummeting in value.
It’s seldom that being an Eagles fan is the least abhorrent part of an individual’s personality – but Hannah managed to pull it off.
How deliciously ironic that Hamas’ media arm, the Quds News Network, re-posted Einbinder’s remarks and made sure to blur her naked shoulders.
‘Go Birds. F*** ICE. And Free Palestine!’ she squealed into the mic
Hannah is the winner is the Accidental Jihadi award… and here are a few others gongs I would have handed out…
Most Hideous
Breakout star of the Addam’s Family spin-off ‘Wednesday’, Jenna Ortega looked like she stumbled out of the shower and got all tangled up in granny’s chandelier.
There she was on the red carpet, wearing nothing over her boobs but dangling gemstones.
And she was one of the best dressed!
Breakout star of the Addam’s Family spin-off ‘Wednesday’, Jenna Ortega (pictured left with Catherine Zeta-Jones, right) looked like she stumbled out of the shower and got all tangled up in granny’s chandelier
Putrid-in-Pink
Parker Posey must be shooting a period piece, because she stayed in costume.
Dressed as a turn-of-the-century madame fresh from the brothel, Posey’s not-so-pretty-in-pink frock resembled layered handkerchiefs.
Dishonorable mention: ‘American Horror Story’ star Sarah Paulson cosplayed as a giant, brown feather duster.
Parker Posey must be shooting a period piece, because she stayed in costume
Breast of Show
Finally, some glamor courtesy of everyone’s favorite (falsely accused) white supremacist.
Sydney Sweeney’s breasts wore a lovely custom Oscar de la Renta red gown, accessorized with a 120-carat diamond necklace with a 40-carat marquise drop, 30-carat pear-shaped diamond drop earrings and 25 carats of diamond rings.
I’d say her bling stole the show. But we all know who the real stars were.
Sydney Sweeney’s breasts wore a lovely custom Oscar de la Renta red gown
Accelerated Adolescence
The modern-day Marilyn Monroe then sent 15-year-old British actor Owen Cooper straight from puberty to manhood as she awarded him Outstanding Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Adolescence’ (the youngest male ever to win that honor).
She even gave him a congratulatory hug.
He was living the dream every teenage boy fantasizes of… and I’m not talking about the Emmy.
Cooper is the youngest male to nab an award in the category
The modern-day Marilyn Monroe then sent 15-year-old British actor Owen Cooper straight from puberty to manhood as she awarded him Outstanding Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Adolescence’
Biggest Loser
Stephen Colbert took home the sympathy statuette for Outstanding Talk Series for his recently canceled ‘Late Show with Stephen Colbert’.
That’s like awarding Employee of the Month to the guy who just got fired for whizzing in the deep fryer.
What message does it send to everyone else? Just keep on preaching to an ever-shrinking audience of self-righteous scolds.
Stephen Colbert took home the sympathy statuette for Outstanding Talk Series for his recently canceled ‘Late Show with Stephen Colbert’
Classiest Acceptance
‘Severance’ star Tramell Tillman gave a lovely (and punctual) speech after grabbing Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.
He dedicated his win to his mom, who was also his first acting coach. ‘Mama, you were there for me when no one else was and no one else would show up. Your loving kindness stays with me. And this is for you,’ he said… within his 45 seconds!
Then, Hannah jumped out of her seat to scream ‘Free Palestine.’
Tillman (right) dedicated his win to his mom (left), who was also his first acting coach
Fastest Feet
Actor Adam Scott (who had his pants jacked up to his nipples like Steve Urkel) deftly fended off a handsy Pedro Pascal.
Pascal, star of the post-apocalyptic drama ‘The Last of Us’, which imagines a world overtaken by a fungal pandemic transforming humans into infectious mycological monsters, has become known for his tactile enthusiasm.
So, as Pedro lunged at Scott, ready to go full mushroom zombie, Scott secured Pedro’s wrists like a grappler and turned away the affection.
He’ll live to act another day.
So, as Pedro lunged at Scott, ready to go full mushroom zombie, Scott secured Pedro’s wrists like a grappler and turned away the affection
Gone and Forgotten
Continuing the tradition of botching the ‘In Memoriam,’ the Emmy’s did not disappoint.
The producers inexplicably ‘forgot’ to include WWF icon Hulk Hogan, who probably did more to build and sustain television audiences (and delivered more convincing performances) than half that room of artistes.
Next year, the Emmys should memorialize itself, because this award show, like all the rest, has become a dying stinker.
Missing the Moment
Notably absent from the evening was any mention of the late conservative icon Charlie Kirk.
The closest they got was actress Jean Smart’s half-hearted call to ‘be good to each other’, and Hillary Clinton gal pal Mary Steenburgen cautioning that ‘the world’s a little out of balance right now, we don’t want to live in fear.’
Indeed. But what Steenburgen – who accepted the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award – conveniently forgot to mention was that conservatives now live in fear of being killed by the looney left.
By the end of the night, the donations counter ended in the red – and naïve Bargatze looked deflated. Though Bargatze and CBS donated $350,000 to the cause, even he couldn’t save these sanctimonious slobs from themselves.
