Katy Perry's Post-Split Awakening: JANA HOCKING on Dating in Your 40s

It’s official. Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are over. The pop princess and her elf prince’s nine-year relationship – an affair which encompassed a six-year engagement and the birth of daughter, Daisy – is donezo.

Let’s pause and take a moment to grieve the couple who no one saw coming but weirdly made sense. She was glitter and chaos. He was spiritual and serious.

From flirting at Coachella, to nude paddleboarding, (remember when Orlando was nicknamed, ‘The Tripod’) through multiple breakups and a grand Valentine’s Day proposal, they were a rollercoaster, and we were along for the ride.

But all fireworks fizzle eventually.

Welcome back to the singles market, Katy. And, girl, you may have been to space, but you’re going to have to brace yourself for this re-entry.

There’s no way to sugarcoat it. It’s a hot mess out here and after being mothballed for almost a decade, you need a crash course in modern dating, stat. So, here’s an honest update from this veteran in the trenches.

Consider it your welcome back pack.

Let’s pause and take a moment to grieve the couple who no one saw coming but weirdly made sense. She was glitter and chaos. He was spiritual and serious.

1. Dating apps are still a thing – they just suck more.

Once upon a time, dating apps were thrilling. Now, they’re a graveyard of half-naked men holding fish, finance bros who claim to ‘split time between LA and Miami,’ and your ex from 2011 who still thinks emojis are a personality.

Raya? Overrun by C-list DJs. Hinge? Basically LinkedIn, but with thirst traps. Tinder? For people who’ve truly given up or just want to get laid.

Prepare to match with someone you think is hot, have a mildly flirty chat, then never hear from him again. It’s not ghosting anymore, it’s just standard.

2. ‘Emotionally unavailable’ is now a dating archetype not a red flag

You’ll meet men who go to therapy just enough to tell you they’re ‘not in a place for anything serious,’ but still want to trauma bond over three mezcal cocktails and sleep in your bed all weekend. Cute!

They’ll call themselves ’emotionally intelligent’ but can’t name one of your friends or explain why they didn’t text you back for four days. You’ll cry. You’ll rally. You’ll kick yourself, but you’ll go back for more.

3. Situationships are ‘in,’ relationships are rare

A situationship is when you do everything a couple does, minus the commitment. Think brunch, sleepovers, emotional support, sex… but if you ever use the word boyfriend, they recoil like you’ve just proposed.

You’ll spend two months wondering if you’re exclusive, only to find out they’ve been ‘talking to’ someone else and think you’re ‘on different pages.’ Spoiler: there are no pages. He just never bought the book.

4. You’ll need a digital detox and possibly an exorcism

You’ll download the apps, delete the apps, then re-download them three Proseccos later. You’ll stalk your ex’s new girlfriend and convince yourself she has dead eyes. You’ll rewatch your own Instagram Story twelve times to see if he viewed it. Welcome to the psychological war of attrition that is modern dating.

5. The best dates will be the ones where nothing happens

A man will show up on time. He’ll ask questions. He won’t check his phone. He’ll pay the bill without announcing it. You’ll walk home thinking, ‘OMG he’s so nice.’ No fireworks. No drama. Just a functioning adult. Yes, Katy, the bar is that low. In 2025 ‘bare minimum guy’ is the unicorn.

Pictures of Orlando nude paddle boarding in Sardinia, Italy went viral in 2016 and saw him nicknamed, ‘The Tripod’

Katy, pictured on board Jeff Bezos’ all-female Blue Orbit suborbital flight in April, may have been to space, but she’s going to have to brace yourself for this re-entry.

6. Dating in your late 30s and 40s is kind of fierce

The pool is smaller. The good ones are often married, traumatized, or ‘working on themselves.’ But you, my friend, have power. You’re not pretending to like EDM or picking your way round your man’s messy roommate every time you stay over. You know your worth. You’ve got your own money. And if the date sucks, you leave. In heels. With dignity.

7. There’s no shame in going full cougar

Leo does it. Clooney did it. No one blinked. So, if a hot 29-year-old with a podcast and a six-pack asks to buy you a drink? Girl, you let him. And then you teach him a thing or two. Bonus points if he calls you ‘intimidating.’ That’s code for iconic.

So yes, Katy, it’s a minefield out here. There will be heartbreak. There will be awkward first dates, ‘u up?’ texts at 2 am and moments where celibacy and/or joining a cult seem like really good options.

But there will also be wild flirtations, laugh-til-you-snort dinners and the kind of sexual renaissance that makes you wonder what you were doing in your 20s.

So, welcome back and remember: if he’s not obsessed with you, block him and move on. You’re Katy freakin’ Perry.