Jaci Stephen’s Soapwatch: Uncovering the Christmas wedding murderer!

EastEnders 

Just over ten months ago, an extraordinary thing happened when the show did a fast-forward to Christmas and viewers saw Sharon checking a man’s pulse and declaring to five other women, ‘He’s dead’. Ever since, viewers have been playing detective in the drama known as Corpsegate. 

Which of the six women in the Queen Vic – Sharon (in a wedding dress), Stacey (hands covered in blood), Denise (clutching a broken champagne bottle), Kathy, Linda and Suki – is the killer? And who is the dead person wearing the cufflinks we last saw on Phil the night he became engaged to Kat?

Christmas Day starts happily enough, with Sharon resplendent in white lace, holding on to Keanu’s arm and walking up the aisle with young Albie. What could possibly go wrong? 

Just as the couple are set to say ‘I do’, in comes Phil and tells the congregation about Keanu’s part in Albie’s kidnap. To have and to hold from this day forward? 

Keanu will be lucky if he makes it a minute forward, let alone a day.

So, after an outburst from Sharon, The Six end up in the pub and a man surrenders to the Grim Reaper.

Is it Nish, killed by Suki? Or, in a case of mistaken identity (the show has been making Nish and Vinny look almost indistinguishable from one another), has she killed her son? 

Has Sharon killed Keanu? Linda killed Dean? 

My wildest theory is that the corpse is Grant – in a mistaken identity situation involving Phil, given that in a certain light, both men look like boiled potatoes.

We are promised that the lives of The Six are going to be changed forever. Maybe they will form a band – The Vice Girls. 

At least we can be grateful that the corpse isn’t George, who on Christmas Day shares a charged moment with Cindy. It can be only a matter of time for this pair, and let’s hope with her real mum back on the scene, Gina will start getting advice on what not to wear. 

It’s winter, love. Put your Marbella midriff away.

Emmerdale 

Caleb gets caught in a Christmas Day clinch 

The affair between Caleb and Tracy looks to be short-lived when they are caught in the act of canoodling on Christmas Day (below). But who is the casual observer? 

Lock your doors, people! To be honest, it’s a mystery they haven’t been caught before. 

Why weren’t alarm bells raised when Tracy, excavating her lustful desires, started to don so much make-up? She was beginning to make Boy George’s face look like a turnip. 

With her eyeballs drowning in a sea of blue eyeshadow, and lipstick that made her look as if she’d been on the lash with a coven of vampires, you could be forgiven for hitting the colour adjustment button on your remote every time her kaleidoscopic visage honed into your living room.

Belle decides to propose to Tom again and enlists the help of Leyla to lure him to an ice rink. In normal Emmerdale terms, that would not bode well: blades, freezing temperatures, no witnesses… but for once there’s a happy ending. 

Enlisting the help of Torvill and Dean, Belle’s elated when Tom says yes, and the champion duo skate over to give Tom his fanboy moment. Bang goes most of next year’s budget?

Coronation Street 

The vineyards of Bordeaux have been put on red (wine) alert, because Carla’s going to be hitting the bottle big time as Peter leaves Weatherfield for good. Heart-warming and heart-breaking by turn, Boxing Day’s episode looks back over the pair’s often difficult relationship, as they agree they are better off apart.

DUH! I’ve been saying that for years. But then any woman in Weatherfield is always going to be better off without Peter (below, with Carla). 

Sitting down to their very last supper together, what do their futures hold? Heading out, Peter’s greeted by the whole family – but no Simon. 

Who can blame the poor kid? Exchanging emotional farewells, Peter promises Ken that he’ll keep in touch. 

No, he won’t. I’ve always suspected that Ken’s dog Eccles ate those poisoned sausages with the specific intention of never having to be in touch with Ken again. 

And, having survived Sausagegate, was all too grateful when the end finally came.

The big question dividing Corrie…  

Sprouts or no sprouts? It’s the million-dollar question for Corrie stars. 

Tina O’Brien (Sarah) is not a fan ‘unless they’ve got cheese or bacon on them’. For Lucy Fallon (Bethany) it’s a definite no, along with turkey. 

Charlotte Jordan (Daisy) isn’t keen on turkey either, but can manage a fried sprout ‘with bacon or cheese, or lots of butter’. All claim they’ll be watching movies or comedy. 

Nah. They’ll be glued to EastEnders like the rest of us.