Ever since the dawn of the online restaurant review, customers have had the upper hand. Waiting too long for a drink? Stuck in the corner near the loo? Tiny portions fit for a mouse? A one-star rating and a few pithy comments puts the eatery in its place.

But now the tables are turning. Meet Chris D’Sylva, the owner of Dorian in Notting Hill, west London – reportedly David Beckham’s favourite restaurant – who grew so tired of uppity customers that he now reviews them.

This isn’t just blacklisting – though D’Sylva certainly does that – but a sophisticated behind-the-scenes system to record guests’ behaviour and rank them accordingly. 

The result is a loyalty scheme that is not visible to the customer but determines how they’re treated.

‘Everything gets marked,’ says D’Sylva, who opened the high-end bistro in 2022. ‘Good behaviours and not favourable behaviours get noted on the system on the booking, especially after the sitting.

‘It’s a tiered system whereby we rank how much we like the customer and the value of the customer, or the destructiveness of the customer. It’s just like any sales business does.’

So what lowers your ranking?

Any hint of ‘entitled’ behaviour, says D’Sylva. Asking to move tables; cancelling a booking (in fact you can’t cancel a table at Dorian less than a week in advance); threatening to write a bad review; asking for a freebie in exchange for a review or even a mention on social media – and anything else which D’Sylva identifies as ‘problematic’. Indeed, most of that behaviour will get you chucked out altogether.

Victoria and David Beckham cut a typically stylish figure as they joined their brood for dinner at swanky Michelin-starred restaurant Dorian in London’s Notting Hill last October

Chris D’Sylva, the owner of Dorian in Notting Hill, west London

The Beckham clan dine at Michelin-starred Dorian which opened in 2022

‘I’ve bounced loads of customers before they’ve even eaten,’ says D’Sylva with some relish.

He adds: ‘I’ve just recognised they’re problematic, asked them to leave, and they’re in shock, bewildered, their jaws drop. It’s anyone who’s rude to us. We don’t do entitled. We don’t do the Mayfair crowd.

‘When people complain about tables, I say, “Every seat’s a good seat and if you don’t like this one, you can leave. Actually, you know what? You are leaving.”

‘It’s these people who think they have a voice. They try to extort you, threaten to write bad reviews if they don’t get their way. We just don’t yield to those threats.’

What if a bad review is dropped online? ‘We just ignore all of them,’ he says. ‘We’ve never replied.’

But is this a justified fightback or arrogant contempt for punters who are spending upwards of £100 a head?

It helps that a table at Dorian is hugely in demand. The recent recipient of a Michelin star, it’s favoured by the Beckhams, football host Gary Lineker and singer Lily Allen, who was a guest at TV star Miquita Oliver’s 40th birthday bash at Dorian last year alongside DJ Nick Grimshaw.

Oliver took over the whole restaurant – but meals with big groups of guests aren’t encouraged when others are dining too. D’Sylva sets a maximum party of four per table, and a £25 per head deposit. ‘The data is there – that your spend per head drops by half as soon as you go over a table of four,’ he explains.

As for the ‘I’ll have what I want, when I want’ brigade, they’re time-wasters and persona non grata. Some diners ‘don’t want to make their full order in one go, they just want to order in bits’ – and soon discover they can’t.

Mr D’Sylva grew so tired of uppity customers that he now reviews them. (pictured: Exterior of Dorian)

A table at Dorian is hugely in demand. The opportunity to book a table at 8.30pm is not possible for members of the public

‘These kinds of whims don’t work,’ he insists. ‘You don’t run the restaurant. We run the restaurant. And we have to run it in a way that delivers the best food consistently for everyone.’

A plain-speaking Australian, D’Sylva reserves special wrath for a very modern class of diner. The TikTok or Instagram foodie influencer, which he has banned.

The problem with these guests, he says, lies in the sheer cheek of their requests. In return for a ‘collaboration’ with their online feed or ‘brand’, they want to set up lights and camera tripods and eat for free. In particular, they want to try his famous crab rosti – and film it for ‘likes’.

‘Back in the beginning, these types of people came and set up the ring light, a tripod and they’d be having a conversation with the camera while they’re eating, sat at a table for one. It was just a bit weird. Our customers were giving each other glances.’

So he started to say a polite no to all ‘collaboration’ requests between influencers and the restaurant – until the trickle of demands from social media influencers became a deluge.

‘How I feel, the way I really want to respond, I can’t put in writing,’ he tells me.

Last month, however, he addressed the issue publicly on the influencers’ home turf, posting on Dorian’s Instagram: ‘Please “Social Scumbags”, kindly stop filling our DMs with unsolicited proposals for free food. You will automatically forfeit being able to come to the restaurant if you do. #instantblacklist.’ 

‘I never wanted to take a position on it publicly,’ he says now. ‘But I’ve got to take a clear stance on it at this point, because I’ve got to protect all of our regulars who are just repulsed by this kind of culture.’

D’Sylva reserves special wrath for a very modern class of diner. The TikTok or Instagram foodie influencer, which he has banned.

It is the word ‘collaboration’ that offends D’Sylva the most.

‘It’s the delusion,’ he says. ‘The misappropriation of the word when it’s really just fishing for free meals.’ As the old adage goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or as D’Sylva reworks it: ‘There’s no f***ing free lunch.’

His message is simple. If you want a meal and access to the restaurant, all you have to do is… pay. If you don’t want to, perhaps consider dining elsewhere.

Some might find his attitude heavy-handed, but D’Sylva defends it as an exercise in protecting his 60 supremely talented staff who merit respect, as well as the regulars who do not want their meal disrupted by unwanted behaviour.

He is also waging war against last-minute cancellations, and won’t allow them within less than a week: ‘You’ve got to treat restaurant reservations like concert tickets and flights, because you’ve taken that ticket off the market and no one else can buy it,’ he says. ‘At 80 per cent full all week long, it’s just breaking even, so that’s why there’s quite a hardline policy on reservations.’

By contrast, the regulars, or ‘regs’ as D’Sylva calls them, are Dorian royalty. They enjoy secret perks in return for their support and are made part of exclusive group chats with a direct line to the owner.

‘If you come a lot, you will always get priority. It’s really simple. If you love us, and you support us, and you bring great guests with you, who become regulars, or you bring amazing people from LA or New York or Paris, absolutely you get preference,’ he says.

There is a group chat for wine lovers, one for VIPs, one for ‘regs’ – and D’Sylva stays in contact with the executive assistants ‘of the most famous people in the world’.

The recent recipient of a Michelin star, it’s also favoured by football host Gary Lineker and singer Lily Allen

These group chats are where D’Sylva shares invitations to exclusive events. The most recent was held in February in the Austrian ski resort Oberlech, for wine lovers and skiers.

But the ultimate privilege afforded to group chat members? The opportunity to book a table at 8.30pm, which is not possible for members of the public – the slot does not appear online.

‘We’ll just send out a message saying, “A table of four has come up in the hallowed 8.30pm sitting. Who wants it?” Only for regulars,’ he says.

D’Sylva does not name any celebrities who walk through Dorian’s doors.

‘They come to us because we don’t do that,’ he says.

He does not even call them celebrities – they are ‘people of influence’. This distinction defines who is allowed a table and who is not.

‘Those people have got real influence because they’re just awesome at what they do. Pop star, actor, banker, film producer. They’re at the top of their game, and that’s why they have influence,’ he says. ‘They’re not mindless influencers.’

So what are Dorian’s online reviews like? Well, working backwards from that Michelin star, Google reviewers give Dorian 3.9 out of five, Tripadvisor 3.5 out of five, and SquareMeal a lowly two (though only six reviews exist on the site). No doubt D’Syvla has banned every one of them.