Former Big Brother winner Kate Lawler has opened up about the heartbreaking decision not to have another child with her husband Martin ‘Boj’ Bojtos, citing physical and mental health struggles.
The presenter, 45, made the emotional revelation this week on her and her husband’s podcast, Boj and Kate Have a Lot on Their Plate, revealing she is open to adopting an ‘older’ child in future.
Kate explained: ‘I have to weigh up my experience with postnatal depression, my age, my mental health, and our capacity and what we think we can handle. With one human child and two dogs, it’s a lot.’
She said she and husband Boj, who have a four-year-old daughter, Noa, had their first debate about potentially having a second child over Christmas.
‘I was seeing a lot of families on WhatsApp – videos that we were being sent of their kids all playing together on Christmas Eve or opening presents together on Christmas Day,’ Kate said.
‘And I started to feel pangs of guilt about the fact that Noa will never share her Christmas day with a sibling.’
Former Big Brother winner Kate Lawler has opened up about the heartbreaking decision not to have another child with her husband Martin, citing physical and mental health struggles
Her and her husband Boj, who have a four-year-old daughter, Noa, had their first debate about potentially having a second child over Christmas
She added: ‘I know that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, but it is something that I have felt a little bit more and more the older Noa gets, and the more she asks why she doesn’t have a brother or sister.
‘So we just started talking about it because I did feel a little bit sad that she won’t spend Christmas with a sibling like we did.’
The radio presenter, who won the third series of the reality show Big Brother in 2002, revealed she’s still haunted by a message she received on Instagram a few years ago.
‘It was from somebody I didn’t know, and it just said, ‘Please give Noa a sibling. An only child is a lonely child.’ I’ve never forgotten those words,’ Kate recalled.
She added: ‘We’ve kind of come to the conclusion that we’re not going to do it. We can’t. For many reasons. Spoiler alert, it’s not going to happen.’
Kate acknowledged that while ‘more and more women are having babies in their 40s, which is absolutely fine,’ her mental health remains her primary concern.
‘With Noa being four, what she doesn’t need is like a theoretical sibling,’ she explained. ‘What she does need is to feel safe, to feel deeply loved, which she does, and she needs a mother that is okay, that is present, that has the energy to play with her.
‘I hope when she’s older, she understands that having another child would have stretched me emotionally and mentally, and that trade-off was not in her best interest. I hope she understands that.’
The presenter, 45, made the emotional revelation this week on her and her husband’s podcast, Boj and Kate Have a Lot on Their Plate, revealing she’s open to adopting in the future
Kate’s concerns are compounded by her ongoing battle with perimenopause – the natural transition period before menopause – which she discussed recently on a podcast.
She said last November: ‘I always feel like it’s exhausting because having the job that I have, I constantly have to mask, I’m okay.
‘At the moment, I just feel like I’m not. I feel like I’m a nightmare to live with – I feel sorry for my husband.
‘I feel like I’m powerless and question everything I do, like, does anyone like me? Do my friends? I feel so lost with who I am.’
On their podcast this week, Boj added: ‘I feel like I have such a complete family now. And we’re genuinely really happy. I would worry that throwing something else in could completely destabilise it.’
The couple also cited practical concerns, with Boj noting they rely on his mother for childcare two days a week, questioning: ‘Could she do that with two? Probably not.’
Kate added: ‘When people say only-children are missing out, it’s such a powerful myth that loads of parents carry. And having a sibling doesn’t guarantee you companionship, happiness, long-term closeness to anyone. And people think that it will.
‘You can’t just have a kid just because you’re worried about them being lonely. You have to want to be a parent of another child. And I think that’s why we’ve come to this conclusion.’
She continued: ‘What does matter, reliably matter, is a stable, loving home, which we can give her and we’re happy with that decision.
‘I’ll tell you what I would consider – adoption. We had [dog] Baxter from a pup and then we adopted [dog] Shirley.
‘I’d genuinely consider an older [child] so we didn’t have to go through the first five years. Not that I’ve not enjoyed the first five years, by the way, I think I have to caveat that.
‘I loved the last four. I just didn’t like the first year. But I would consider adoption when we’re a bit older.’
Boj, however, was ambivalent about the idea, admitting candidly: ‘I think people who adopt and foster are so strong… I’m not sure I am.
‘Sometimes it can be difficult and I’m not sure I have the emotional capacity to do it. I’d rather be honest than going, no, let’s do it, and then f*** up some kid’s life.’
Kate has previously said of her experience of postnatal depression following the birth of Noa: ‘I remember rocking her, going: ‘Shush, shush.’ But you’re just like: ‘Oh my god, please. What can I do?’
Kate explained: ‘I have to weigh up my experience with postnatal depression, my age, my mental health, and our capacity and what we think we can handle’
‘The sound of a baby crying when you’re emotionally drained, when you haven’t slept and you already feel so depleted… you’re lacking energy and you’re hungry and you’re tired and your partner is sleeping next door and you’re thinking: ‘Oh my god, why am I doing this?’
‘In those moments with Noa where I’d been so desperate, so out of my mind, I can see why it’s so important that people have ways of asking for help.
‘With depression, you think: ‘I don’t understand why I’m having these feelings when I have so much to be happy about.Â
‘I’ve got a roof over my head and I’ve got a family and a partner who loves me and I’ve got my dogs and a job, and I’ve got a baby who’s healthy.”
