Halfway through the second episode of The Golden Bachelor, Katrina – a lovely 55-year-old NICU nurse from Queensland – let out an exasperated sigh and summed up the thoughts of every single woman in Australia:
‘What has it come to – to find a man in this country!’
Katrina, you nailed it. In fact, I’d wager most single women over 40 curled up on their sofas, wine glass in hand, felt exactly the same.
For women my age, watching The Golden Bachelor isn’t just another drama-filled reality TV distraction like Married At First Sight.
It’s a toe-curling and painfully accurate reflection of what it is like in the dating pool in Australia once you’ve hit your so-called ‘golden years‘.
Here’s my summary of The Golden Bachelor so far: too many incredible women, and a bloke who’s nice… but dull. Oh, and to top it all off, he isn’t even Australian.
Every woman I know is saying the same thing about The Golden Bachelor, writes Amanda Goff
‘Let’s be honest, going by his on-screen portrayal, he seems to have the personality of a wet mop and constantly looks like he’s trying to remember where he parked his car’
That’s right, they hired a Canadian. Presumably, the bar for over-50s Aussie men was in the sub-basement.
Look, I’m not going to be too mean about infrastructure engineer Barry ‘Bear’ Myrden – a 61-year-old widower who is pleasant enough, polite and clearly a good father.
Compared to the ‘Big Names in Bondi’ I’ve complained about in my columns before, he’s Prince Charming. No, he’s practically a saint.
But let’s be honest, going by his on-screen portrayal, he seems to have the personality of a wet mop and constantly looks like he’s trying to remember where he parked his car.
(Here’s a handy tip from one oldie to another: take a photo.)
I nearly spat out my tea when I read one viewer comment that said: ‘Even his pocket handkerchief looks boring.’
Yet here he is, surrounded by extraordinary, accomplished women.
We have Kim, the military doctor; Sunny, the tech CEO; 66-year-old Jan who can arm-wrestle any man into submission; and various other high-flyers who roared in on their stallions, sports cars and stilettos.
Viewers made light of Sam Armytage’s flirtatious chemistry with Barry ‘Bear’ Myrden
These are women who’ve been through life’s challenges and come out stronger the other side. Women who are fitter than 20-year-olds. Women who are interesting, inspirational and intimidatingly impressive.
And I don’t want to hear snarky comments about their Botox, fillers or surgery. Sure, a lot of them have had ‘work’ done – but it’s their bodies, their money and they can do what they please.
And here’s where I quietly despair. These fabulous women have to catfight for snoozy-doozy Bear’s limited attention like he’s our version of George Clooney.
It’s the agony of over-40s dating in a nutshell, isn’t it?
Lots of extraordinary women, and too many men who are… just okay. But at least they’re male and breathing, eh ladies?
But, of course, the painfully relatable dynamics between Bear and his glorious line-up of ladies haven’t been what’s dominating the conversation.
No – because instead all eyes are on one woman: host Sam Armytage.
Like the contestants, Sam’s divorced and in her own golden era – and, from what I’ve seen on TV, she is quite the flirt.
For women my age, watching The Golden Bachelor isn’t just another drama-filled reality TV distraction like Married At First Sight. It’s a toe-curling and painfully accurate reflection of what it is like in the dating pool in Australia once you’ve hit your so-called ‘golden years’
I mean, seriously! Sam, aren’t you supposed to be a confidante for these women, not their competition?
The newly single TV golden girl has gone from ruddy-faced farmer’s wife to a slimmed down glamazon in the last year – to which I say ‘bravo’ – but oh, how she laughs at Bear’s beige banter a little too forcefully.
And don’t even get me started on that familiar twinkle in her eyes, or the tilt of her head as she speaks to him. It’s all a bit like watching your mum flirt with the waiter at a family lunch. You want to look away, but can’t.
It’s no wonder some snarky viewers have tipped her as the favourite to ‘win’ the Bachelor’s heart.
Still, I’ll admit, it’s absolutely gripping to watch.
Not because there’s any real spark – let’s be honest, she’s not into him – but because she’s running the well-worn routine every woman over 40 knows by heart: performing like a circus act for the fleeting attention of an average bloke, simply because he’s single.
Yes, we’ve all done it – myself included. Why, oh why, do we do it?
Sam and Bear (above, during a radio interview) downplayed talk of a romantic connection after the speculation made headlines in the lead-up to The Golden Bachelor’s premiere this week
In a way, it’s oddly reassuring to see someone like Sam – rich, famous and attractive – slipping into the same pattern of trying to dazzle a man whose idea of living dangerously is putting on a beige cardigan.
The irony is that women in their 40s and 50s have never been sexier, fitter and more self-assured than they are today. Yet many men our age still think that a thumbs-up emoji qualifies as meaningful conversation.
Poor, sweet Bear isn’t the problem here. We’ve only seen a glimpse of his personality on TV, and while I haven’t been bowled over, he seems nice enough.
My quarrel is with Australian men in general. Most of them don’t approach women. They don’t plan dates. They want to split the bill. Their texts are dreary.
One date I had recently was so boring that I felt my eyes glaze over with tears. We sat on a park bench, with coffees I had bought, as I painstakingly tried to ask questions of a man who inexplicably had brought a rucksack with him.
He must not have realised conversations are a two-way thing. ‘See you then!’ I said a little too brightly as he had to leave to catch his bus.
The bar is so low you would need an archaeologist to find it.
And the worst part is, mediocre men know that after 40, the ratio is in their favour, and despite their Fifty Shades of Beige personalities, women will still fight over them. Why? Because society tells us: either take him or die alone.
Not this old bird, thank you very much – nor most of the women I know.
We would rather ‘die alone’ – whatever that means – than compete for a man that makes Bear look like a firecracker.
Until men catch up, The Golden Bachelor will keep driving the point home: women are platinum – and men our age are costume jewellery at best.
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